One of my best friends introduced me to Ryan Adams some 15 years ago. She herself was inculcated by her own brilliant, difficult, complicated lover/partner/friend in to this world of poetry and blues and pop, folk, heartache, joy and pain. She commented to me once about the music, "he's all you need." And it's true. The breadth of his songs; the way they can address every and any emotion and mood, both lyrically and musically...his catalogue has been my go-to ever since I learned. I love this music.
Now we know what we are not shocked to discover: The guy is an abusive, destructive dick in his personal life. The worst part has to do with the voices and talent of women he stifled: whose dreams were quashed and whose poetry and song we may never get to hear. And how can we possibly separate the behavior and the fallout and the harm from the songs, from the music?
I don't know the answer and I'm afraid to even ask the question. I want the guy to be held accountable and I don't want him to profit for another minute or dollar. Because he silenced women, some of whom were likely as or more creative and talented and multifaceted in their art as he. But that's almost irrelevant because even if they were not, silencing any woman is a crime against all of us so how can I possibly keep listening?
And yet...I do. I don't think I'm going to stop.
So I'm sorry. I believe the women he hurt and I'm grateful for their bravery. Because they are changing the culture and tearing down misogyny and patriarchy by raising their voices. And if I have to stop listening, if turning off this music will help the culture change and those women heal, tell me how and why and I will. Of course I will.
We all have these men in our lives. This blog is dedicated to the most important one in mine. He was not as powerful or broadly destructive as Ryan Adams. But he was also brilliant and complicated, witty and charming. And he caused harm, too. And we loved him until he died and beyond, because we do.
I'm going to go listen to Jason Isbell and Phoebe Bridgers now.
