Recently both my mom and my boss have expressed concern for me in regards to my work. My boss mentioned being worried about me and my mom asked me if I could keep doing this. I've been actively involved with the Battered Women's Movement since 1994. That's a pretty long time, I guess, and lately, I have been wondering if maybe it is time for a change. I've been feeling, from time to time over the last month or so, burnt out, overwhelmed and very sad. And I think I'd make a pretty good professional baker or lunch lady.
One thing that may be contributing to my career malaise is the small, second job I began last August. I co-facilitate a weekly group for men who batter. It's really hard, mostly because it feels futile and hopeless. Maybe one out of ten men in a group like that will actually change and stop being abusive. Maybe. But I'm also pretty certain that more than one out of ten will use what they learn in the group to increase their control of their partners and twist the content of the curriculum to manipulate their family. I've already had the experience (more than once) of listening to a guy very competently identify his abusive tactics and talk about how he's going to change and then go assault or otherwise intimidate and control his partner. Working with the group has opened my eyes and I'd like to close them again. I believe that more intensive programs have the potential to be more effective and I also don't think I'm the best person for a job like this. I've been hounding a colleague and former co-worker of mine who has much more experience running groups like this to take over for me and I'm hopeful that she will soon. It's not just that I want out (I do) but I also know Cyndy will be a much better co-facilitator. In the meantime, she's been a godsend of support for me.
I mentioned to someone recently, only half-joking, that I didn't think I could change jobs because I don't know how to do anything else. And the truth is really close to that: I do this work because I know how. I do this work because I can. And it's not just that I have the education, knowledge and experience to work with survivors and educate my community. It is true that I know how to help a woman and her kids escape. I know how to listen with compassion and without judgment. I know a lot of practical stuff, like how to get a protection order, what the steps are in a rape exam and where to go if you need financial help because you've been "involuntarily displaced." I know the rules and I know how to challenge community members and service providers when they're not following them. And I know how to break the rules when THAT is the right and just thing to do. But in addition to all of that, I have the resources, the support and the personal capacity to keep fighting this fight. The people who live in my house love, support and care for me, as do my parents, extended family and in-laws. I have friends, here in Vermont and in other places who make me happy, fascinate me and make me proud. I have a circle of co-workers and comrades who totally, totally get it when I'm angry and sad and who I can call on to do just about anything. And I have community members who support our work in all kinds of ways, from the older man who donates 10 bucks every year to the Sheriff who sends 2 deputies out after-hours at my request and his expense to give a woman the opportunity to run if she chooses. And I can run and cook and I have really great music and beautiful mountains and woods all around me. And red wine. So while my cell phone was going crazy at 8:00 on Friday night with work-related brainstorming and planning, this week I have a massage scheduled and next week I'm going to visit one of my oldest friends and her family in Hawaii. It's all about the balance and keeping the cup from getting too empty. My cup is always pretty full. Sometimes it even runs over. And I believe that "work is love made visible."
So I'll keep doing this work because I can; I absolutely can! So I have to and I will. And I want to. It is truly an honor and a privilege. It's really hard sometimes. Sometimes it breaks my heart and I cry and yell. But I have so much to fill me back up. And it doesn't take much to make me happy. And make me smile with glee. Like this, for example:
The Emotions - Best of my love - The Emotions
5 comments:
You are something else, child of mine. Something I never could have imagined. You make a difference and you express yourself so well.
What a beautiful ode Zoe. It's making me cry - maybe because I'm hormonal, but more likely because it's a beautiful sentiment, well-expressed. I'm proud to call you my friend.
love,
rebecca
This is beautiful!!
Hi sweetheart, I just read this, and my heart hurt. What you have said, about the need for the work, the futility of much -- or the fear of the futility -- the way in which the years make you better at it all the time, all that, all that; it is me right now. From the time I was downsized out of my job, through to this very day I try to reflect on the pain I have absorbed from and about those I have worked with, the horror I have seen and sat with so others could say and show, the secrets about it I have had to keep, the exhaustion it has done to my heart AND the pride I feel in how well I do it, how relentlessly I do it and most importantly why I do it. This last is hardest of all when I consider what comes next, I don't have a baker or a lunch lady in me and I need my ability and passion to go somewhere real and somewhere right, and to be able to continue for the next 15 years. It is big, deep, hard to talk to others who don't understand kind of thoughts and I am so glad you can express them to this level. I don't know how -- or who I would express them to. I love you. Sally
Hi there,
I just wanted to say thank you for the amazing work you do. I know on a personal level just how challenging your job is and I also know the difference you are making in our community. As a survivor of abuse I have personally been supported, encouraged, and empowered by your organization and I am very grateful. I just wanted to thank you for being so willing to do the work you do and for doing it in the all encompassing, passionate, intelligent, and fearless way you do. I think often people use your organization and your support and never think about the impact your work must have on you as a person. I am glad you have supportive people and that you take care of yourself so that you can continue to work as such a powerful and inspiring advocate. I hope you and your colleagues know what you mean to our community and the appreciation we have for you. I wish we lived in a world where there was no need for your role, where all people were treated equally and with respect, where no person had to live in fear, no person had to experience abuse, a world where power and control didn't dictate how a human being treats another.. maybe someday all of the work you and your colleagues do will have helped to create this reality.. until then thank you for continuing to fight for it and for helping to care for those affected by abuse.. we appreciate all that you do.. Thank you and take care..
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